Saturday, October 22, 2016

Love is the only answer

I have not written for a long time and as I was lying down on my bed, nursing my little one,  I was browsing through Facebook.

It's hard to go through the news feed without news of animals abuse,  child abuse,  no human rights, racialism,  war,  corruption,  suicides,  accidents, rapes, and so on and so forth.

As I caressed my little one's forehead and feel cool breeze emiting through her Sahasrara,  I feel worried for her.

Since becoming a mother,  stories about children getting hurt really disturbed me.   And it's so scary that it is happening so much more frequent.   Maybe because of social media,  we get the news instantly compared to the times before Facebook was born.  So we get to hear news of parent left baby in car and suffocated and died, or the parent who accidentally sat on the toddler and killed him instantly or fell off from high place, or legs got stuck in elevator and so on.

We used to only see this kind of things in horror movies.   But now we hear so many real life,  true stories.   It just makes me wonder,  do we have to live in fear all the time?

I am worried that the fear is passed on to the children.   Like when we go shopping mall,  we are constantly keeping an eye on them and does not allow any strangers to go near them for fear of being kidnapped as there are countless kids kidnapped,  not for money,  but for other horrible things.   Then as we go up the elevator,  we are worried if the kid's legs will get stuck in the elevator or the incident where the landing was opened and the parent fell and killed,  or the parent who was carrying the kid on the shoulders and tilted over and the kid fell one floor down.   Horrors after horrors in our day to day life.

We have to constantly keep our kids buckled in the stroller or holding our hands or keeping near us.

I have become an overprotective mom.

Baby has a weak anahat thanks to me.   She has separation anxiety.   She is scared of the pressure of suddenly dropping like in the lift.  She is scared when in the water swimming with me.

I was told that the more flustered I am,  the worse she becomes as she picks up from me.

Being a mother is very overwhelming sometimes.   As much as I want to keep her safe and protected,  there are so many things that are beyond my control and I am very scared of those.  And because of all this,  I get so frustrated and angry at the world.  Angry at the politicians for not making the country a better place for the future,  instead only thinking of their pockets.  Angry at the babysitter for not listening to instructions.  

I have already tried my very best to be detached but still not good enough.   Like when I go to work,  I have to leave her and believe the babysitter would do their best.   I have to trust the babysitter.  And I gave permission for babysitter to take her out to shopping malls and so on.

The only reason I could do that is because I believe Shri Mataji is watching over baby.   Before I leave her behind,  I would raise her kundalini and bandhan.   I would leave the house with the belief that baby is in good hands.   When back home,  I would try to make her sit with us for meditation.   Bring her to collective and pujas.   Let her mix more with Sahaja Yogis.   Clear her more and love her.  Her constant cool breeze on her Sahasrara reassured me that the Divine is with her all the time.   I felt much better.

Then I read experiences of yogis who were children when they came into sahaj and how they struggled to live life as a Sahaja Yogi and at the same time as a human being in this chaotic world.   Some said as Sahaja Yogi parents we should not imposed too much of Sahaja Yoga ideology to them.   We should let the children decide.   But main thing is we should tell the children to love Shri Mataji and have that connection with Her.

Maybe I think too much.   As much as I tried to be a good mom,  I am not perfect.  

What I think I can do is to show baby that she is very much love.   Teach her to love herself and others.   Let her be daring and do things.   Teach her morality and dharma and maryadas.   Guide her to be a good Sahaja Yogi but not imposed too rigidly.  I have no doubts baby has a relationship with Shri Mataji already.   She knows who Shri Mataji is.   She likes to touch Shri Mataji's photo.   And I believe Shri Mataji has communicated with her in many ways unknown to me.

I think I have to read Kavach of the Devi constantly.   I feel so scared in my heart,  full of fears and worries and doubts. 

I pray that I can be as compassionate and loving like how Shri Mataji is to us.   I know I can't be a mother like Shri Mataji Herself but I hope I can imbibe Her ways and methods.   I also pray for Shri Mataji to always keep us in Her protection and guide us away from all negativity.   Because God is Love and Love is the only answer to all the absurdity in the world.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Benefit for Selangor citizens

I am sure you have read about the benefits for citizens of Selangor.  Here you go again.

Recently, I did No.1 for baby.  It's so easy to do now.  Here's how to do it:

Step 1 - Go to TAWAS website.  
The website is not that user friendly though.

Step 2 - Click Pendaftaran Baru.  You will be directed to a new page.  Click on Pendaftaran Baru again.  Then click Setuju.

Step 3-  Fill in your baby's MyKid and parents MyKad.  And fill up all the details as requested.

Step 4 - Click submit.

Step 5 - Email to the soft copy of the MyKid, birth certificate and parent's MyKad.

And you are done!  It's so simple.  The approval is also very fast.  If you want to know whether it's approved or not, go to the TAWAS website and click on Semakan Permohonan.

Once it is approved, go to Yayasan Warisan Anak Selangor (YAWAS) at Aras 5, Kompleks Belia Dan Kebudayaan Negeri Selangor, Lot 4, Jalan Platinum 7/52, Seksyen 7, Persiaran Kayangan, 40000 Shah Alam, Selangor to collect the card and also the FD certificate that shows RM1,500, which can only be collected when baby is 18 years old.  I guess there might be interest.  Hopefully.

That's it.  Very simple.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Raksha Bandhan - Making rakhis

I have always looked forward to Raksha Bandhan, every single year.  Maybe because the gifts are attractive.

Every year, we have been making simple rakhis, in huge amount, to be distributed out to the collective.  This year, I learned to make rakhi the Indian way.  It's really simple to do but takes more time than the simple string that we have been making year after year.

I used DMC embroidery threads that is from my abandoned cross stitch project.  Sorry, but I don't have the step-by-step method in pictures.

Embroidery thread - normal colour
Embroidery thread - silver or gold
Glue gun
Beads / little flowers for decoration
A partner to help you (optional but better)

1. To make the centerpiece, first, take out 1 gold or silver embroidery thread and separate it from the main bundle.  The whole bundle consist of 6 threads.  Just take 1 out or the 6.

2. Take a fork and wrap the coloured embroidery thread (the full bundle with 6 threads) and 1 gold or silver thread that you have taken out in Step 1 around the top of the fork (the part where you pick up food with) many times, horizontally.  You need to make sure it is thick enough to make it fluffy.  Otherwise it would look scattered.

3. Cut the threads.  In between the fork's teeth, tie up the threads in the middle.  Make sure it is tight.  Remove from fork and cut the edges.  Make sure there is no close threads.

4.  Spread open the threads to make it into a circle.  And trim the edges to make it round.

5. To make the string, take 2 different colour thread and cut 2 piece each at the same length.  Make sure it is long enough to tie around the wrist.

6. Tie a knot at one end.  Separate the threads.  Up to you how you want the design to be.  You can take one colour while your partner take another colour of 2 piece of thread each.  Both of you pull it tight and hold the end.  And twist clockwise.

7.  Once it is tightly twisted, one person hold the knotted end, and another person hold the open end.  Make sure none of you let go or else you would have to repeat the whole thing again as it will get untwisted.

8.  Once both of you are ready, then the one holding the knotted end let go.  Now you will get a nicely twisted string.  Tie the knot at the other end to close it.  Your string is ready.

9. Use glue gun and stick some beads or flowers on the centerpiece.  Then use the glue gun to stick it on the string.  My mom was helping me with the glue gun and she didn't use that to stick the centerpiece to the string.  Instead, she just tied the string around the centerpiece.  That created a gap as you can see in the first picture.  Instead of a nice round centerpiece, you see 2 gaps.  Not very nice.

10.  Your rakhi is ready.

I know my instructions may not be so clear.  Next time I would post some pictures.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Hungry Ghost Festival

Every year, the Chinese would celebrate the Hungry Ghost Festival, which falls on the 14th day of the 7th month of the lunar calendar.  What they do is offer food and do some prayers to appease the ghosts in the hope that these negativities doesn't disturb the living.  

According to the Chinese beliefs, the Hell gates open on the 1st day of the 7th lunar month.  For the whole of the 7th lunar month, prayers and food and nowadays performances would be offered to appease them.

Nowadays, the organisers would set up a huge tent, a performing stage, tables and chairs and a huge, gigantic altar and organise some dinner or sorts in several housing estates to do this prayer.  On the 1st day of the 7th lunar month, the performers would start performing but to an empty audience.  The living would keep away because that day is set for the ghosts to watch.  Sounds eery, no?

What I cannot comprehend is the way the performers are dressed and the music when they performed.  It's way too sexy and the music would be blasting away, so loud until I can hear it while footsoaking although it's located like 5km away.

And being in Sahaj, I cannot understand the need of the festival.  Why are we praying to them instead of God?  The more powers we give them, the more powerful they become, no?

Believe it or not, these negativity are very strong during these times.  Whether they are appeased or not, they are there because we give them even more power.  And they come and affect us.  Not like possession or sorts but they affect our emotions, moods and our beings.  

Yesterday, a few colleagues in the same department fought with each other, not physically but with words.  Colleagues whom have been eating lunch together for months.  Colleagues whom have been working together for years.  And words were thrown, anger, phone slamming, shouting, you name it.

To me, it's the work of bhoots.  Negativity affecting their moods and mind.  But they don't know.  Now ties are severed and communication is breaking down.  Is it worth it?  All because of some ego play?  And the bhoots probably having a wild time playing and watching this unfold.

On the same day, as I reached home, I can sense something is not right in the air.  As I walked into the house, my head was pounding away, a sign that catches are there.  Sure enough, everyone was in a bad mood and felt as though a time bomb is going to explode anytime.

As yogis, I feel we need to be aware of such things and keep our attention on Sahasrara to prevent these bhoots from entering us or disturbing us.  Because non-yogis are not aware.  

Why anger spreads?  Why is people becoming more unhappy?  Depressed?  It's all related.  It may not be the negativity of the Hungry Ghost Festival.  But negativity is everywhere and affecting everyone.

As yogis, we need to keep the situation under control.  I almost lost it when I entered my house and the bad mood started to affect me as well and baby was screaming away and everyone was walking on eggshells.  Then just as quickly my mood was going to burst, I managed to catch hold of my mouth before it open and start purging out words that cannot be taken back.  I took a deep breath and recognised that I didn't manage to do a proper morning meditation that day.  Then I start to become aware that my husband who has been in the house the whole day, has been affected or 'infected' by the negativity.  He looks worn out and was also on the verge of bursting.  

I did a quick pray in my heart and hope I can be the Shakti to keep the peace at home.  And slowly can feel the mood settling.  Baby slept off after a crying fit and the whole household became calmer.  They began to talk with respect and not with sarcasm.  

And quietly when it's only me and my husband alone, I asked him what happened.  I told him what happened at work and I feel the same thing is happening at home.  Then I heard his side of the story and became aware that he is being put in a tight situation and told him we must clear ourselves and shoebeat.  Probably have to start matka pot soon too before things get out of hand.  Looking after a baby can be difficult and burnout.  And now that she has started crawling and holding things to stand up, it gets even tougher.  When our energy level is low, if we are not careful, negativity would find a way to attack us.

Non-yogis won't know what to do but as yogis, we are responsible for our vibrations.  When our vibrations improve, so does the surrounding and the ambiance would also feel better.  It's not easy to keep our attention on Sahasrara all the time or to be alert and aware and witness and not react.  I tried these few things.

1. Bring a lime to work everyday.
2. Be sure to meditate every morning, even if it is only for 5 minutes.  Proper meditation with thoughtless awareness.
3. Listen to bhajans at work.  My company allow us to use the earphones while working.
4. Listen to Shri Mataji's talk at work.  This is a little more challenging because you want to pay 100% attention on Her speech and not just by-the-way listening.  
5. Read Shri Mataji's transcript online.  This is something that I would do if I don't have much work to do.  Reading the transcript takes time and can take about 1 hour to 2.
6. Watch Shri Mataji's speech on YouTube.  I would watch do when I have time during lunch break or during one of my pumping session.

Doing these help to keep my mind in peace and understand and recognise the moods and most important is stop myself from reacting.

Hopefully my vibrations can help to ease the hostility in the office.

Friday, July 01, 2016

The Birthday Month - Birthday Treats

I love July.  Especially 28th July.  Because that's my birthday!!!

Every year, I will be looking out for treats and rewards given out by restaurants or any other enterprises to see what I get.  So far, 2 enterprises have emailed me.

1. Golden Screen Cinema (GSC)
Get 2 FREE movie tickets only from 1st July to 31st July.  Selected movies only and marked with * in the website.  

Previous years I have utilised this nice treat with husband.  But this year, I have to forgo as I can't bring baby along.  Sigh.  

Anyway, I checked their website and found only 1 movie that I want to watch, which is upcoming.  It's "Alice in Wonderland".  However, I doubt that it will be mark * as usually movies that are already out for long or movies that are going to be taken out are marked.

2. Sunway PALS
I only use this card for parking.  It's like Touch n Go.  As for the rewards, it's not that attractive.  The points are too expensive.

But for birthday, they are offering Buy 1 Free 1 ticket at Lost World of Tambun.  Since I went there before, I don't think I would go.  It's not as attractive as Sunway Lagoon, if you ask me.

Too bad they don't offer the same for Sunway Lagoon.  Instead they offered Free Double Tube for their water rides.'s not that expensive if I can remember.  So, this is nothing big, really.

Another offer is 50% discount for Sunway Pyramid Ice.  I have never done ice skating and have no interest in it.  So no go.

Last one is Upgrade to the next category room when I booked at Lost World Hotel, Ipoh.  Again, not that great an offer.

IN previous years, Shogun Japanese Restaurant used to have very good offers.  They allowed birthday boy/girl to eat buffet for free.  The conditions were also not that many.  But I just checked and they only allowed free 3 days before and 3 days after the actual birthday.  On top of that, the birthday boy/girl must be accompanied by 3 paying guests.  Hmm...So I can't dine alone with husband.

Then there are many other offers too, which if you Google you will find.  But am not interested in them.  Either too far, too expensive, too many conditions.

How nice if companies like AirAsia gives out free air tickets on birthday month?  Or the banks give out rebates on birthday month?  Or higher interest on birthday month?  Or hotel give out free rooms on birthday month?  Or Baskin Robbins giving out free ice cream?  Or something like that.

Nah...not gonna happen.  What's gonna happen this year is I will be going to the TCE Baby Fair which is happening from 28 - 31 July at Mid Valley.  

Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Being a new mother

Oh wow.  Since I have kinda neglect this blog, the readers have also left.  I might try to revive this blog when I feel better.

Lately, I feel things are not going my way.  And no matter how much I pray, I still feel nothing is moving.  In fact, it's just one obstacle after another.  Yesterday, I have a spiritual conversation with my other half and at the same time a WhatsApp message of Shri Mataji's extract came.  How apt it was.

The reason why I don't update this blog so often now is because since I delivered my girl, I have been going through challenges after challenges.  Before one ends, another arises and it's continuous.  Personal challenges, work challenges, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, financial, family, you name it.  All came at once.  All at the same time.

I have decided that this blog is only about my spiritual life and being positive.  If I am in a bad mood or not in balance, I will refrain myself from writing on this blog.  Hence, my disappearance for the past few months.

Being a new mother is never easy.  Having to deal with a newborn is difficult.  Waking up in the middle of the night, just to change diaper is not something new now.  From the beginning of my baby's life, I didn't have an easy time.  I guess I am not alone.  

Not only have I neglected my spiritual blog, I have also neglected my spiritual self.  So much so that everyday, I find myself giving excuses if I didn't have time to meditate or if I cut short my clearing.  And each time, the excuses were baby related.

I want to give the very best for baby.  So day after day, I make sure I do everything right for her.  Breastfeeding, vaccination, doctor's checkup, etc, I made sure I follow through.  Breastfeeding was the biggest challenge, which I am glad to say now things have ease and better.

My entire attention and focus is now mainly on baby.  I would love to write everything about my new life here, but then this blog will be converted into a motherhood blog.  I am still trying to find my feet in motherhood and Sahaja Yoga.

I get extremely nervous when my baby cries.  But now I began to identify her cries.  First she will give warning.  If still no sign of attention given to her, her cries will be louder and finally the loudest.  Which is why, I am afraid to go anywhere with her, even to collective.

I became so out of balance and then I finally realised that I have lost the connection with Shri Mataji.  I haven't been meditating well and not clearing properly either.  At the same time, I kept on wondering if Shri Mataji has forgotten about me.  She hasn't but I think I have neglected my connection with Her.

Perhaps because of that nothing seems to be working out for you, my other half said.  Yes, I think this is why.

I forgot that to be balance, I need to focus on meditation and surrender the rest to the Divine.  Instead, I focus on baby too much until I lost the feeling of joy and find it a burden and hassle.  I don't know how to enjoy life and baby.  As much as I wanted to provide and give the best to her, I hardly spend time with her because I was too much focusing on how to breastfeed and kept on pumping away.

Every time I read Shri Mataji's excerpt on motherhood or about taking care of small babies, it's usually for mothers who doesn't work.  So I find myself hard to relate to my new life and Sahaja Yoga.  I tried to find the connection, but couldn't and ended up blaming myself for failing to be a Sahaja Yogi.

In the end, I became so frustrated, trying to stand on my feet again, trying to be one with the Divine and trying to find peace in my new life.  I began to blame everyone around me.

Now as I write, I begin to see the root to my problems.  My other half has been supportive of everything I do right from the beginning, but I couldn't enjoy it.  I keep thinking I am doing things for baby but I think in the end, it's just my ego.

OK, no more excuses.  Time to get back to balance again.  

Friday, May 27, 2016

Everything happened for a reason

When we believe that everything happened for a reason, then we won't be disappointed.

Since delivery, I feel as if there are way too many obstacles.  I am sure this is a test.  It has to be a test coz otherwise I cannot accept why it is happening like this.

Everyday is a challenge.  Be it at home or at work.  Before the first issue subside, another issue arise.  It's been like that for the past few months.

Having a baby does give us additional responsibility.  My duty to pump milk for her every few hours, everyday has been tiring but yet I felt very satisfying.

It's the other things that are beyond my control that really irks me.  Things like people's behaviour, what others are saying, what others are doing to my baby and so on.  Every single day, without fail, all I can say is "I Surrender" but how much I am able to do it is another question.

I am pretty sure the negativity out there is strong and keep pulling us down.  I remember reading Shri Mataji's speech, can't forget which year and She mentioned that if bad things still happen to us after SR, then something is wrong with us.

I do believe I am still not balance.  And having a baby, everything suddenly became overwhelmed.  Throw us completely out of balance.  It's probably a way to get us back to balance, but I find each day, I am just waiting for her to grow up, for her to sleep better at night, so that we get better rest as well and can get back to our routine.  I can't seem to enjoy the present with her and I feel very bad about it.

Never mind about baby for now.  I want to talk about the challenges and obstacles at work.  I feel truly disheartened and demotivated to continue.  And I want to share my inner thoughts here.

When I was pregnant, there was an incident that still stays in my heart though I have forgiven that person.  I just can't forget because I was hurt.  I was put in-charge of a new project that involves another manager besides the one I report to directly.  This male manager I have always respected though I don't report to him.  I feel he is understanding and compassionate compared to the female manager that I report to.  And because he is a family man as well, I feel he understand the challenges of a new parent.  Compared to my female manager who is single.

One day, he was in a bad mood and I went to him asking if I can proceed a job that wasn't given approval yet by him because he said to hold on first.  I remembered that he told me to hold on.  But because of pregnancy and I was very forgetful, I began to doubt myself.  And he suddenly burst out and said the approval was given to me earlier to proceed.  I said no.  But he insisted.  Who am I to argue with him, moreover I was heavily pregnant.  I just left it because I wasn't sure myself if he truly has given the approval.  There's no email and no written statement.  Only verbal.

Days later, I went to him again and updated him on the project.  Because the manager that I report to told me to update her and update him as well separately.  He reprimanded me for updating my direct manager.  He asked why am I telling things to my direct manager?  I was shocked.  He feels that I am a tale-teller and almost like a spy.  She is my direct manager and I report to her directly.  How can I not report to her?  I was upset and mad at the circumstances.  It's truly uncalled for and I felt injustice.

You see, my direct manager is not someone everyone likes.  Because of her speech and behaviour, a lot of people doesn't like to share things with her.  Unfortunately for me, because I report to her, I fall into that category as well.

For the past 6 years that I worked under her, it took me a year to understand her.  And even then, I tried so hard to understand why she behaves the way she behaves.  I don't understand why another human being just want to give a hard time for her subordinates, just to show that she can and that she has the power.  She doesn't behave like that with her boss.  After some time, I just gave up trying to understand her.  I just do my work and do what was told to me.

Last year, throughout my pregnancy, I didn't have much work to do.  I am not sure if it was on purpose because they wanted to reduce my work load or just that there wasn't any work for me to do.  I have changed my portfolio in 2014 to concentrate on a new project.  But that project has already ended.  And after that, there wasn't much to do.

I spent most of my work time doing nothing, surfing the net.  And then came performance review time and I was told by my immediate manager that I have under-performed in 2015.  As a result of that, my increment was less favourable.

Two months post-partum, I have to go back to work with a heavy heart because I missed baby a lot.  During maternity leave, no one follow up on my work.  Not even my immediate manager.  So when I came back, work was piling up.

I was happy about it.  At least there's work waiting rather than not doing anything and sitting around and waiting for work to come.  And so, I started following up all my work and was waiting for others to reply to me.  Again, the waiting game and did nothing but to sit and wait and follow up by email and phone.

Then my immediate manager felt as though I have nothing to do and reprimanded me.  When I said reprimanded, she used her high tone and angry voice to talk to me.  And as usual, being rude and disrespectful.  She said she doesn't want to see me sitting there, wasting time while everyone else is chasing for dateline.  Sure enough, all my other colleagues stayed back after work and came weekends to finish up their work while I left home sharp as I needed to attend to my baby.  Again, I felt injustice and unfairness creeping.  I defended and said I am doing work and was just following up.

One incident, I let you all to decide.  I was following up with this person via email on an invoice that my manager needed urgently and I did not cc-ed to my manager.  Perhaps that's my bad.  While waiting for the other person to reply, I got reprimanded about not doing work.  And when I came back to my place, the person has replied and I printed out the invoice and pass it to my manager.  She was like, "oh you finally call them is it? "  It's as if I only did my work upon being reprimanded by her.  And I told her, no I have been following up on this.

Because my manager felt like I am not using my time effectively, she started piling my work with ad-hoc jobs.  Things that she is supposed to do but she asked me to do.  Suddenly, I have so much to do and all different things and all came at once.  But I still have no complaints about it and happy to do the work.  I kinda like this kind of ad-hoc projects rather than monthly closing.

Then yesterday, the straw that broke the camel's back happened.  I was in her room to pass her some things and then she reprimanded me again.  This time she said I gave her sub-standard work quality and she expected a higher quality from me.  And that she is doing my job rather than me doing it and that I was just not doing it well.  I kept quiet.

This is what happened.  Just last week, she told me that she needed me to create a new company in the system and have it up and running by end of May 2016.  I was given 1 week to do it.  So, before she went on 2 days leave, I quickly did a setup and emailed it to her for review.  She didn't reply.

When she came back to work, I reminded her.  I cannot setup the new company in the system until the basic setup is approved by her.  Delayed..delayed from her side and her excuse was that I gave a lousy job to her, that's why so much to review.

Today it's already 27 May and still no approval given.  And I have 2 more days on 30 and 31 May to do this setup.  Not that I can't do it.  But it will be rush.

When I complained to my colleague, who reports directly to the male boss, she said this to me, "I wish I never have to change boss."  What does this tell you?

So, tell me.  What went wrong?  Is the problem lies with me?  Is it because I am not balance enough, so all these negativity still happened to me?

We used to sit together in the same room and she can see what I am doing.  Ever since she got her own room and sit separately from me, she feels I am not doing my work at all.  She is micro-managing every single thing I am doing as if to check and see if I am lagging anywhere.

I just feel so tired and exhausted, having to look after a 4 month old, having to pump many times a day and having to deal with this nonsense.

And best part was I started yesterday with a positive mood.  And ended my day feeling very unhappy and down.

And I gave my best.  When I was 8 months pregnant, because she was delaying some things, I have to drive around looking for a vendor to do a rubber stamp, just because they wanted it urgently.  And what does she care?  Nothing.

I can tolerate discrimination but when another woman discriminate a woman, it's something I cannot understand.

Should I make myself available in the job market again?  Is it too risky to change job now that the economy is not good and so many companies are retrenching?  Moreover, baby is still so small and financially very tight.

But all these are messing with me.  I just feel so disappointed that despite working here for 6 years, there is still no understanding between the boss and me.  Not only that, common courtesy of respect also lacking.  Maybe I should just leave.  Maybe it's my ego after all.  Maybe I am not balance and reacting too much and not being a witness.

But I tried my best and gave my best.  If she is still too blind to see, then I have nothing to say.  It doesn't mean that if I don't stay back to work or come at weekends, that I am not doing my best.

I hope things will be better soon.  I truly hope so.


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