I have not written for a long time and as I was lying down on my bed, nursing my little one, I was browsing through Facebook.
It's hard to go through the news feed without news of animals abuse, child abuse, no human rights, racialism, war, corruption, suicides, accidents, rapes, and so on and so forth.
As I caressed my little one's forehead and feel cool breeze emiting through her Sahasrara, I feel worried for her.
Since becoming a mother, stories about children getting hurt really disturbed me. And it's so scary that it is happening so much more frequent. Maybe because of social media, we get the news instantly compared to the times before Facebook was born. So we get to hear news of parent left baby in car and suffocated and died, or the parent who accidentally sat on the toddler and killed him instantly or fell off from high place, or legs got stuck in elevator and so on.
We used to only see this kind of things in horror movies. But now we hear so many real life, true stories. It just makes me wonder, do we have to live in fear all the time?
I am worried that the fear is passed on to the children. Like when we go shopping mall, we are constantly keeping an eye on them and does not allow any strangers to go near them for fear of being kidnapped as there are countless kids kidnapped, not for money, but for other horrible things. Then as we go up the elevator, we are worried if the kid's legs will get stuck in the elevator or the incident where the landing was opened and the parent fell and killed, or the parent who was carrying the kid on the shoulders and tilted over and the kid fell one floor down. Horrors after horrors in our day to day life.
We have to constantly keep our kids buckled in the stroller or holding our hands or keeping near us.
I have become an overprotective mom.
Baby has a weak anahat thanks to me. She has separation anxiety. She is scared of the pressure of suddenly dropping like in the lift. She is scared when in the water swimming with me.
I was told that the more flustered I am, the worse she becomes as she picks up from me.
Being a mother is very overwhelming sometimes. As much as I want to keep her safe and protected, there are so many things that are beyond my control and I am very scared of those. And because of all this, I get so frustrated and angry at the world. Angry at the politicians for not making the country a better place for the future, instead only thinking of their pockets. Angry at the babysitter for not listening to instructions.
I have already tried my very best to be detached but still not good enough. Like when I go to work, I have to leave her and believe the babysitter would do their best. I have to trust the babysitter. And I gave permission for babysitter to take her out to shopping malls and so on.
The only reason I could do that is because I believe Shri Mataji is watching over baby. Before I leave her behind, I would raise her kundalini and bandhan. I would leave the house with the belief that baby is in good hands. When back home, I would try to make her sit with us for meditation. Bring her to collective and pujas. Let her mix more with Sahaja Yogis. Clear her more and love her. Her constant cool breeze on her Sahasrara reassured me that the Divine is with her all the time. I felt much better.
Then I read experiences of yogis who were children when they came into sahaj and how they struggled to live life as a Sahaja Yogi and at the same time as a human being in this chaotic world. Some said as Sahaja Yogi parents we should not imposed too much of Sahaja Yoga ideology to them. We should let the children decide. But main thing is we should tell the children to love Shri Mataji and have that connection with Her.
Maybe I think too much. As much as I tried to be a good mom, I am not perfect.
What I think I can do is to show baby that she is very much love. Teach her to love herself and others. Let her be daring and do things. Teach her morality and dharma and maryadas. Guide her to be a good Sahaja Yogi but not imposed too rigidly. I have no doubts baby has a relationship with Shri Mataji already. She knows who Shri Mataji is. She likes to touch Shri Mataji's photo. And I believe Shri Mataji has communicated with her in many ways unknown to me.
I think I have to read Kavach of the Devi constantly. I feel so scared in my heart, full of fears and worries and doubts.
I pray that I can be as compassionate and loving like how Shri Mataji is to us. I know I can't be a mother like Shri Mataji Herself but I hope I can imbibe Her ways and methods. I also pray for Shri Mataji to always keep us in Her protection and guide us away from all negativity. Because God is Love and Love is the only answer to all the absurdity in the world.