Friday, December 02, 2016
Saturday, October 22, 2016
I have not written for a long time and as I was lying down on my bed, nursing my little one, I was browsing through Facebook.
It's hard to go through the news feed without news of animals abuse, child abuse, no human rights, racialism, war, corruption, suicides, accidents, rapes, and so on and so forth.
As I caressed my little one's forehead and feel cool breeze emiting through her Sahasrara, I feel worried for her.
Since becoming a mother, stories about children getting hurt really disturbed me. And it's so scary that it is happening so much more frequent. Maybe because of social media, we get the news instantly compared to the times before Facebook was born. So we get to hear news of parent left baby in car and suffocated and died, or the parent who accidentally sat on the toddler and killed him instantly or fell off from high place, or legs got stuck in elevator and so on.
We used to only see this kind of things in horror movies. But now we hear so many real life, true stories. It just makes me wonder, do we have to live in fear all the time?
I am worried that the fear is passed on to the children. Like when we go shopping mall, we are constantly keeping an eye on them and does not allow any strangers to go near them for fear of being kidnapped as there are countless kids kidnapped, not for money, but for other horrible things. Then as we go up the elevator, we are worried if the kid's legs will get stuck in the elevator or the incident where the landing was opened and the parent fell and killed, or the parent who was carrying the kid on the shoulders and tilted over and the kid fell one floor down. Horrors after horrors in our day to day life.
We have to constantly keep our kids buckled in the stroller or holding our hands or keeping near us.
I have become an overprotective mom.
Baby has a weak anahat thanks to me. She has separation anxiety. She is scared of the pressure of suddenly dropping like in the lift. She is scared when in the water swimming with me.
I was told that the more flustered I am, the worse she becomes as she picks up from me.
Being a mother is very overwhelming sometimes. As much as I want to keep her safe and protected, there are so many things that are beyond my control and I am very scared of those. And because of all this, I get so frustrated and angry at the world. Angry at the politicians for not making the country a better place for the future, instead only thinking of their pockets. Angry at the babysitter for not listening to instructions.
I have already tried my very best to be detached but still not good enough. Like when I go to work, I have to leave her and believe the babysitter would do their best. I have to trust the babysitter. And I gave permission for babysitter to take her out to shopping malls and so on.
The only reason I could do that is because I believe Shri Mataji is watching over baby. Before I leave her behind, I would raise her kundalini and bandhan. I would leave the house with the belief that baby is in good hands. When back home, I would try to make her sit with us for meditation. Bring her to collective and pujas. Let her mix more with Sahaja Yogis. Clear her more and love her. Her constant cool breeze on her Sahasrara reassured me that the Divine is with her all the time. I felt much better.
Then I read experiences of yogis who were children when they came into sahaj and how they struggled to live life as a Sahaja Yogi and at the same time as a human being in this chaotic world. Some said as Sahaja Yogi parents we should not imposed too much of Sahaja Yoga ideology to them. We should let the children decide. But main thing is we should tell the children to love Shri Mataji and have that connection with Her.
Maybe I think too much. As much as I tried to be a good mom, I am not perfect.
What I think I can do is to show baby that she is very much love. Teach her to love herself and others. Let her be daring and do things. Teach her morality and dharma and maryadas. Guide her to be a good Sahaja Yogi but not imposed too rigidly. I have no doubts baby has a relationship with Shri Mataji already. She knows who Shri Mataji is. She likes to touch Shri Mataji's photo. And I believe Shri Mataji has communicated with her in many ways unknown to me.
I think I have to read Kavach of the Devi constantly. I feel so scared in my heart, full of fears and worries and doubts.
I pray that I can be as compassionate and loving like how Shri Mataji is to us. I know I can't be a mother like Shri Mataji Herself but I hope I can imbibe Her ways and methods. I also pray for Shri Mataji to always keep us in Her protection and guide us away from all negativity. Because God is Love and Love is the only answer to all the absurdity in the world.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Friday, August 05, 2016
Friday, July 01, 2016
Tuesday, June 07, 2016
My entire attention and focus is now mainly on baby. I would love to write everything about my new life here, but then this blog will be converted into a motherhood blog. I am still trying to find my feet in motherhood and Sahaja Yoga.
I get extremely nervous when my baby cries. But now I began to identify her cries. First she will give warning. If still no sign of attention given to her, her cries will be louder and finally the loudest. Which is why, I am afraid to go anywhere with her, even to collective.
I became so out of balance and then I finally realised that I have lost the connection with Shri Mataji. I haven't been meditating well and not clearing properly either. At the same time, I kept on wondering if Shri Mataji has forgotten about me. She hasn't but I think I have neglected my connection with Her.
Perhaps because of that nothing seems to be working out for you, my other half said. Yes, I think this is why.
I forgot that to be balance, I need to focus on meditation and surrender the rest to the Divine. Instead, I focus on baby too much until I lost the feeling of joy and find it a burden and hassle. I don't know how to enjoy life and baby. As much as I wanted to provide and give the best to her, I hardly spend time with her because I was too much focusing on how to breastfeed and kept on pumping away.
Every time I read Shri Mataji's excerpt on motherhood or about taking care of small babies, it's usually for mothers who doesn't work. So I find myself hard to relate to my new life and Sahaja Yoga. I tried to find the connection, but couldn't and ended up blaming myself for failing to be a Sahaja Yogi.
In the end, I became so frustrated, trying to stand on my feet again, trying to be one with the Divine and trying to find peace in my new life. I began to blame everyone around me.
Now as I write, I begin to see the root to my problems. My other half has been supportive of everything I do right from the beginning, but I couldn't enjoy it. I keep thinking I am doing things for baby but I think in the end, it's just my ego.
OK, no more excuses. Time to get back to balance again.